Beginning around 4 am today, Nintendo opened the flood gates on pre-orders for the hotly anticipated Super NES Classic Edition. Amazon and Best Buy kicked things off in the wee hours of the morning, selling out in short order. GameStop, Walmart, and Target opened pre-orders later and sold out just as quickly. Those who missed out have been buzzing around social media like angry hornets. How could they have missed out on this? After looking over the evidence, I’ve deduced 5 plausible reasons why hordes of gamers likely won’t be taking Star Fox 2 for a spin in September.
You Procrastinated Finishing That School Assignment
You knew that big term paper was due today, and that it would take an all-nighter to get it done. But instead, you turned in early last night, believing you could catch some Z’s and just do a rush job in the morning. That was your undoing.
While you were riding unicorns in Slumberland, your classmate and resident egghead, Billy Thurgood Harden III, powered through the night fueled by caffeine and big dreams. Since he was on his laptop, typing haphazardly as a barely functioning husk of a person, he happened to stumble upon Super NES Classic pre-order listings. The surge of adrenaline brought on by this discovery helped him to not only purchase one, but to complete his assignment. Meanwhile, you awakened Tuesday feeling crestfallen at the news of the surprise SNES sale and filled with anxiety about your still unfinished paper. You also tried (and failed) to offer Billy loads of cash for his impending mini-console.
You Decided To Get Serious About Tackling Your Insomnia
After many sleepless nights and constant badgering by your spouse, you decided it was time to put the kibosh on your insomnia. You followed all the right steps: watched commercials for insomnia pills, scoffed at the obscene number of possible side-effects, endured another week as a waking zombie, then begrudgingly got a prescription from your doctor. For the first time in months, you slept like a comatose baby. Unfortunately, you chose to give your body the rest it needed on the absolute worst possible night. I hope it was worth it.
You Spent All Night Partying At The Club
First of all, who goes hardcore clubbing on a Monday night? Don’t you have, like, work in the morning, or something? What do clubs even offer on Mondays? Are enough people even there to make it fun? I don’t know the answers to these burning questions. What I do know is that if you’d stayed home like a normal person, and kept awake until almost daylight the next day, you’d be bragging on Twitter about how you bought a Super NES Classic while everyone else committed the crime of sleeping. But instead, you decided to take advantage of some lame drink specials and jam out to bad EDM with three or four other lame-o’s.
You Opted Not To Have Babies
Babies are precious for many reasons. One of those is their innate talent of keeping their parents awake and alert through all hours of the night. That could include nights where, I don’t know, a ridiculously in-demand retro mini-console might go up for sale. You wouldn’t know, though, as you informed your significant other early in the relationship that having kids was a no-go. Bet you’re regretting that decision now. Why do you think so many new parents now have another, possibly inflated, bundle of joy to call their own? If nothing else, you can always offer to babysit their kids as an excuse to get your hands on Secret of Mana.
You Had Work In The Morning, So You Went To Bed At A Reasonable Hour
Your job requires you to show up at 9 am every day. Thus, you always hit the hay around 10-11 pm in order to get that sweet 8 hours or so of sleep. If there was ever a night to randomly break routine and stay up to some ungodly hour, this was it. And you missed it. How could you have not known this was happening? Nintendo flat-out said Super NES Classic pre-orders would go live in “late August”. That meant that once August 20th rolled around, your life became forfeit. It’s not their fault you decided not to spend every hour of every day getting intimately familiar with your web browser’s Refresh button. Next time, just don’t go to sleep. It’s not hard.